Well it has been quite the week. An “emergency” appointment with the rheumatologist (which means it was scheduled less than a week out), getting a loaner wheelchair from the Masonic hospital (thank you Masonic Lodge), numerous phone calls with the local childrens hospital and the caseworker at MasonicDocsRUs, increasing some medicines and stopping another (Marty), starting an additional anti-depressant (me), deciding Marty’s chest pains were from anxiety not a pericardial effusion, Bella being outside in the Texas heat at horse camp, attending the exhibition in the Texas heat at the end of said camp, being proactive with the inevitable attendance issues at school, making sure the school doesn’t have a cow because the kids can’t have their state mandated live vaccines, and finding out that yes, Dr F will in fact give me school notes over the phone when Marty is too sick for school but not sick enough to need prescription meds. Oh and I managed to work 3 1/2 days during all that. Yeah, I’m supposed to have a full time job.
Now my sister Irene (who generously paid for horse camp) wants us to come tomorrow and swim in her new pool. Well tomorrow I need to get my car inspected, practice my handbell solo for Sunday, move the bell table and equipment into the sanctuary, either get a haircut or figure out how to make it look decent for church, find summer church clothes that will work with shoes that I can play bells in, and go to bed early so I can make my 8 am sound check on Sunday. Getting groceries will have to wait until Sunday. Not so sure we will have time for Irene’s new toy.
So how is it that I struggle with depression on a daily basis, have a child with a life altering medical diagnosis, have an ex husband that decided the sickness and health part of the marriage vows didn’t apply to him, have my credit ruined by said ex husband, and lose my benefits and take two pay cuts, but when I complain to other family members I’M the one being negative and childish? Really? Have you SEEN what I endure on a daily basis? Do you KNOW what it’s like to be constantly reminded that I was supposed to be the smart one in the family? Now I feel like I have the hardest time just getting by. Damn messed up ADD depressed brain!
There are lots of times I feel like the only people that truly understand are other single moms with JA kids. Especially the ones that are depressed. Yes I know that ALL moms of JA kids have a good idea what I deal with, but they have a husband that is there to help. They have someone to share decisions, give mom a break from being a caretaker, provide an income when mom has to take kiddo to another doctor appointment and run interference when someone judges us for babying a child in pain. Sorry, but if you’re married you just don’t know what it’s like to have EVERYTHING fall on your shoulders. Usually weary overworked shoulders. No offense to my married friends.
Wow. I didn’t mean for this to be a rant about my misfortune at the life planning meeting before I was born, but it seems that is how it ended. I know, it could be worse. Yes, I’m sure some of you have even bigger problems. No, I can’t blame God for all this, but I sure wish He would provide a way for it to get several degrees easier. All I can say is He better have some really kick-ass plans for my kids and me. Every day is another “opportunity for character development.” Frankly I’m sick of it.
I want a refund from my reality check.